“Hold company with yourself so sacred that even when you are alone, you are whole”AVA
All my life I’ve felt like an outcast, destined to always be on the outside looking in. Or maybe on the inside, looking out 😀
Before I continue, please don’t mistake this as an invitation to a pity party. It’s anything but. This is a freedom party! A self-love party! An alone, but never lonely party!
I’ve always had this deep desire to be liked, loved and approved of. By my parents, family members, peers, community, and men. I believed that if others accepted me and loved me, then that would confirm that I was worthy. That I was valuable. That I mattered.
I knew at an early age that I was different. I understood it was best to hide who I really was and try to fit in. I was a quiet, shy, and introspective child. I was not of this world. I had been here many, many times, and in the recesses of my soul were memories that bubbled far too close to the surface. I had this desperate, heart-aching desire to be loved. “Someone, please see me, understand me, and love me”, was the constant echoing of my heart. And when that need wasn’t met, it chipped at my heart and left holes in my soul.
I always felt that I was alone in this world. And I didn’t like the empty, sad feeling that came along with it. I decided to try even harder to be liked, loved and approved of to rid myself of those unpleasant feelings. And child let me tell you, I’ve ran myself ragged trying to do it. In middle school and high school, I excelled in academics, sports (when I played), and followed all the trends from clothing to hair that my family’s finances and standards allowed. I tried to be as cool as possible. Which is damn near impossible being the inherent nerd I am. I’ve tried and I’ve tried for years to fit in, even in my adult years. And I’ve always come up short. I’ve disappointed my parents. I’ve never been popular, I’ve been discarded and rejected by “friends”, been deemed “too much” by the community, and niggas have left me high and dry. No matter how I tried, at the end of the day, it was just me, myself, and I. Alone. Feeling dismissed, rejected, and lonely.
Within the past few months, something amazing has happened. I look around and I see people I’m related to, people I work with, people I went to school with, people I kick it with on social media, and people who see me as a resource. But the truth is, I don’t have a friend in this world. I am alone. But I don’t feel lonely. I don’t have that same sad, empty feeling that I’ve felt for years. I feel OK. I still feel unseen, unheard, and unloved, but I am ok. I am alone. But I am not lonely. Because I see me. I understand me. I love me. I approve of me. Even if no one else does. My soul is anchored and rooted in ME (and the Lord).
I have this unfamiliar yet comforting sense of peace about what I previously saw as my unfortunate lot in life. I am alone, but no longer lonely. I have this newfound freedom in accepting that I will not fit in and I may be disliked. Some people may disapprove of me. I may face rejections. Yet I am whole. I am free. I am loved. By me. And that is more than enough.
“Like so many others in this century I found myself a displaced person shortly after birth and have been looking half my life for a place to take my stand. Now that I have found it, I must defend it”Edward Abbey